Are Caregivers Harmful? #frailty #disability #relationships

Today, I ask you - have you ever asked for some advice how to do something, and suddenly found that the whole thing has been taken over, as if you are a complete moron.

For me it's like asking someone with greater knowledge than me, how to open an application on the computer with which I am having difficulty.  Yes, I know my way around the keyboard. (I have been doing it forever it seems.) Yes, I can touch type with my eyes closed.  All I am asking for, is to be shown how to do it.  Next thing,  I am off making a cup of tea for them - pouring myself a strong drink while they browse my server with such ease. And yes, they have opened the application and downloaded the data that I wanted. Then, before I have time to take in the knowledge that they have never let me learn hands on, I find, times up! They have drunk their tea, and exited the door before I get to know how to do it, for the next time.  They leave happy with themselves that they have helped this wretched feeble person with such an easy to do, task.  (This care giver, gave this help before his tea got cold and, my drink was barely to my mouth - all with two finger typing.) Now that, is caring!  

communities.acs.org

My question here is, 'How often do we take on the role of care giver to our parents, the elderly, the children, our partners, and the disabled without acknowledging their dignity, their prior skills, or their learning capacity.  I know I have been guilty. (Guess my computer carer, helped me to open the 'karma' app to my soul.)  We have all given our time to others but, have we really helped? Or, have we simply shown them, that they are totally inadequate, that they are the feeble moron of which I spoke earlier. Well, we have achieved what they wanted and exited, feeling proud of a job well done.

This is where we should think before we leap.  Is the person we are helping, asking for you to take over? Or, are they merely asking for a little help, a little of your experience, a little wisdom to make their job easier or some reassurance that they can do it?

How often are we asked by the aged to show them where they sign a form?  How many times are we asked to explain a question on a child's homework?  How many times does our partner ask us show them where the TV remote is?  How many times has a disabled person asked you to simplify their situation?  

I know what my answer is owing to having the patience of bull.  My parents will ask me where to sign the form. Next thing,I am filling the whole thing out.  My partner has asked where the remote is and, instead of saying behind the books on the coffee table, I have raced over, grabbed it, asked him what station he wants to watch and, changed the channel.  My partner, who is also deaf and Chinese will have asked me to simplify the English of a manual, that was originally written in Chinese, and subsequently translated to English. Then, there I am, operating the implement I never even wanted to use in the first place.  Am I the carer?  No, I have simply taken their dignity away from them.  I have tried to be time efficient.  All this caring, and trying to simplify their life, but I have not allowed them take control of their own lives.  

These people, I might add, have raised children, worked for a million years, have found their way in their quiet world in the streets of Penang and Hong Kong. They have learned to deal with life's journey and still had time to pat themselves on the back for a job well done. I have done nothing but exaggerate their shortcomings by my sense of caring.  

Put simply, I say to you, 'When someone asks for help, examine what they really need. Don't give them a sense of their frailty. Yes, do it all for them, if they give you permission to do so.  But, remember like me and the computer carer, they need to retain their dignity and their sense of achievement.  

Think first then offer.

kidsmatter.edu.au

Cheers

Bitchescoz 

Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com

Is Patience a Virtue

 
Today at the office we were discussing the virtues of patience, and I got to wondering how many of us actually do have patience.

We all like to think, and tell everyone, that we are patient but, I think it is great to acknowledge that some of us are in denial.  I for one trust my instinct that, along with my other intolerances of intolerance to gluten, intolerance to seafood, I also believe (self diagnosed of course) I have an intolerance to queuing. I also believe, or is that hope, a change in diet and a little detox may cleanse my liver of the shit that has built up on it. Therefore I wait 'patiently' for  the remedy to cure my ailment that I think may have come from birth.

I guess even back then I was suffering from this intolerance - you see I was to be born in the February but no - I decided 'no waiting' - I'm coming out on the 22 January! And, while I'm at it I'm not coming out the normal pathway - I'm not going through 'that'! So, I decided to never allow myself entry to those areas, and came  'out' via Caesarean Section. A path fit for Kings (or is that Queens)!

 Yes, I believe that some of us have a greater tolerance for patience than I, and believe with a little encouragement and reassurance from my friends and partner that I too, may achieve that feeling of euphoria they have, when they  wait in line at the supermarket, or hang on the phone waiting to be fast tracked because you are a valued customer.

Ok! Having established that I do in fact, lack the ability of 'patience' what do I do about it? Do I stand in the supermarket queue and smile sweetly at the 15 people in front of me with more than 10 items in their basket in the express lane?  Do I simply take a novel to the phone while waiting for the bank to tell me I have moved up in the queue? Should I encourage the other shoppers to join me in song '100 green bottles' while the checkout operator has called for a price check from a staff member who has obviously gone on long service leave? Should, when I get to my turn on the bank queue forget that there are 120 others waiting after me and discuss my retirement package, coz when I ring and get on queue the next time, retirement may have happened upon me while waiting?

Having let my partner read what I have written thus far, he slaps me and says, I have to breath deeply and think happy thoughts and that good things come to those who wait.  My immediate thought is have I changed gender and I am in a birthing suite delivering his child naturally?  And if so, I want him here experiencing my pain, slap him up on the gurney and give him a full body wax while I think happy thoughts.

Back into thoughts on patience! Yes, I accept his and my friends thoughts on the euphoria one should achieve in these times. Yes, I accept that I was wrong in thinking of throttling the customers in front of me and that I should offer to push there overladen trolleys to their cars (while I wait) and that I will achieve great abundance of good things happening to me for waiting so long. I should also believe that I should apply more tact and diplomacy to each situation.

Now having gained this knowledge of how to reach a plateau of peace and tranquility, I pour myself a nice glass of wine, sit patiently, write my shopping list, pass it to my partner lovingly and say, "This is what I need from the market Honey, the frequent shoppers card is in my wallet - don't forget it. Oh and it might be best to ring the bank and see if you have enough money in the account to pay for your purchases!"

Cheers

Bitchescoz

Hearing with your Heart

I have lived with full hearing my whole life, and for most part, I have shared my life with hearing people, partners and friends.  My question is do we, as hearing people actually hear or, do we only hear what we want to?  I have heard the expression 'Oh he/she has selective hearing!'  But, is this just a way of blocking out what we don't want to hear;  an I'll deal with that in my own time; an explanation why we don't say what we are thinking; or just plain ignorance?
 
A few times I have had the bad experience of texting a message to a fully hearing, fully seeing person (usually a family member) and they take offense as to what is written. Though they have all their senses in tact, they find it too difficult to clarify the message, instead, going off the deep end and not discovering the true meaning of the text. Then they, after you have had to put everything apart from your toenail clippings in a bag to explain the context of the message, say - 'Why didn't you say that in the first place?'  Or worse - 'You know I hate texting, people shortcut these things and you don't get the meaning.'  My question to that is - Why did you, as the receiver of the text, not ask for an explanation? Why did you let it get out of hand?  Why did you text ten people afterwards telling them I was a scum bag for what I text?  The very thing I text was innocent, the meaning non-intentional and was merely a grammatical mistake! But, that one flippant remark was broadcast to (not the original text I might add) friends, family and anyone who happened to be calling that day, with the inclusion of some very emotional extrapolations to boot.  And, this misunderstanding devoured a whole night, trying to explain as to why you said, or in this case, didn't say those damning comments.  Therefore, I believe those same hearing, seeing people also suffer from a complaint that I call 'selective textness' - a lack of taking time to re-read the text, putting what is said into perspective or, as a political 'has been' once said bothering to ask 'Please explain!'  Instead they create a storm in a teacup that escalates the situation so far out of hand that the only way to solve it is to book a one way ticket to a country without telecommunications or, call in the national guard and welfare agencies to fix the demons that escape unknowingly from my cell phone. Basically, none of this would be needed if they take the time to actually communicate directly with me as to what I might, or might not, have said!

Having wafted on about this, my main reason is to explain how I think communication is often taken  lightly. In this time of fast food, fast cars and internet dating, people don't take the time to listen to, or worse to actually understand, what the other person is trying to say.

My life partner is profoundly deaf and, only in the last few months has been equipped with a cochlear implant.  Might I just add his first language is not English which has complications in itself. Developing communication with each other does take time and effort on both our parts. The doctors say that in time the brain will accept and identify of the new found sounds that he hears, and owing to his ethnicity he hears English as a bit of a gabble.  You see he lost his hearing at the age of 9 and, until now he has lip read those of his native tongue, making it a tad difficult to understand what we, the English, are saying. Might I say it is also exciting to introduce him to sounds he has never heard before - to explain its a bird, a door bell or rain on the roof.  It has the magic of teaching a child new experiences and the sharing of these first experiences together. Yes, there are misunderstandings but, for the most part, we do take time to try to let the other person understand our point of view.  This is why I beg you to try to communicate more, try to give someone your time, try to feel it from their side instead of just believing its all about you. It is in fact, much smoother sailing if you join and care about someone instead of just yourself.  You are not the unlucky one here, you are given the gifts of full communication and should help others who may not of heard that beautiful sound of a bird singing or the wonderful sound of rain falling on a tin roof.

We, as a couple, have found that one of the greatest assets we have is a whiteboard and the use of our phones to text an explanation of something that somehow defies us. Yes, it takes a little more time but, it is worth spending the time and letting each other know what it is we are feeling or want to convey. By returning the writings or the text, we keep the communication open, rather than closing down and taking the misinterpretation to a higher level, let alone bringing unsuspecting others into what should, or could, have been so simple without the need of the national guard.

Therefore, I ask you to open up and talk more! If you can't verbalise it, then write it down and get others to understand what you really wanted. Writing can also be quite cathartic as well, and bring peace to others minds as well as your own.

Take care, open your hearts as well as your ears and eyes and the world will be a better place!

Bitchescoz!