Roundabouts! #life #control #freewill #confidence

Recently we visited a city that was made up, of what seemed to be hundreds of roundabouts, and very few traffic lights.  They ranged from the tiny to the enormous.  All seemed to work very well with the control of traffic rather than what I am used to, with a city full of traffic lights and signs.  My mind did however, think that the Town Planners maps may have been spread on the lunch tables of the road crews, and every coffee ring they placed on the map, would become the new roundabout.  Hence, so many of them! 

Anyhow, contemplating on the advantages of them, I believe that they are a very good idea.  God knows, how many of us have been stuck at a red light and there hasn't been a car in sight for what feels like a dragon flies lifespan! But, we sit there and wait patiently, for what maybe the car approaching from another state.  When you think about it, traffic lights are sort of like a fat controller, and we as the drivers are told when we may proceed.  On the other hand, roundabouts appear to be designed that we have control but, must be mindful of those who enter them.  

This brings my thoughts to relating these traffic controllers to our lives. Many of us are controlled by a process that has been established over the years, and it takes the thinking out of our actions to some extent.  Yes, with traffic lights we are taught to proceed with care. But for most of us, and I know that I am one, once that traffic light goes green, I very rarely look around to check for anyone else. Whereas on roundabouts, in a worldly sense you must be mindful, and ever thinking, of what is going on. Who is on them? Are they on your right? Do we proceed without hurting anyone, or ourselves, in our traffic of life.  

How many of us are controlled by the thought processes that have been handed down from generation to generation?  How many of us can escape those controllers, be free thinking, and caring for those around us.  Many discriminatory rationales have been embedded in our minds by our predecessors, and quite often, we don't think if they are really our own thoughts.  Quite often we just sit there, and wait with the pack to proceed, and not look around to see if we may hurt or harm someone. This in my mind is the Red light group!  Whereas the roundabout people learn to proceed with care, proceed with respect, proceed with ever changing conditions of peak hour or minimal traffic. This group is open to change.  This group is willing to allow those around them, access to the life roundabout, and not block them, but go with the flow.  These people still have free will. These people are ever learning.  These people are not governed by fat controllers, who dictate their minds and their actions..  

Therefore I think as decent law abiding citizens of this world, we should encourage our youth to proceed with care, proceed with compassion, proceed with love.  Yes, there will be minor accidents along the way but, if we teach our children to consider others, to have confidence to proceed and regulate the fat controllers, then I have no doubt they will navigate the road of life with ease.  They will know that each and every living vehicle on our roads, is worthy of entering that roundabout called life.  The traffic jams of life may be a thing of the past.

Therefore, I personally approve of roundabouts and keep putting those coffee rings on the maps of the world.  

Until next time, I welcome you to join me on my roundabout called life.

Cheers !

Bitchescoz

Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com

 

Shaping a Future! #nurture #frailty #hope #resilience

When we are children we believe that adults are all-knowing, we think they are infallible. We trust them implicitly not knowing they too are simply human beings. It is this trust that makes us vulnerable to their weaknesses, whether their moulding of our minds is intentional or not. Being a parent is not an easy task but it is one of the most important and probably the one role in life for which we are least qualified. This is especially true today where families of one or two is the norm and children grow up isolated from extended families. In the old days just about every child carried a toddler on their hip as they played in the street and so their parenting and nurturing lessons began very early in life.

That is not to say the most nurturing of parents do not have their foibles and weaknesses. We all know fathers who work long hours and spend more time with their work colleagues than their families. There parents who have been to war and find solace in a bottle. Others trapped in very unhappy unions which have devastating consequences for all involved. It is the circumstances of our parents that make us the adult we become. Fear of stepping into the world of business as a result of a childhood of worrying if the bank would fore close on your parents financial interests, thus making you homeless. Having a house full of unfolded washing making you anal about each item of clothing having its place! Seeing your Mother parked in a corner at the rare social gathering you attended, while your father was the life and soul of the party! These may seem trivial now, but in the eyes of a child they become etched into your psyche making you the adult you are today.

Others have much bigger fish to fry! Their childhoods are one of abuse, sometimes in all forms - verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. Many (sadly not all) rise above this to become reasonably well adjusted adults. Though the scars are still there. Many times they are buried deep within, but they are definitely responsible for the adult we become. What gives these parents the right to inflict such misery on the little person in their lives. These parents actually do not have any rights. They have responsibilities in which, they are sadly lacking. But, they lost their rights as parents the minute the abuse began. The fact that these children battle through often in silence is testimony to the resilience of the human spirit. They grow into adults in spite of their parents. Some rise above their circumstances to live good lives, some are irreversibly broken, some take their own lives and others become abusers themselves.

As parents, their is no excuse for the bad treatment of our children. They did not ask to be conceived. They did not ask to be carried in the womb for nine months to be spat out into a life of hell. This life of hell has no class barriers. It is universal across all ares of society - just the rich have more means and resources at their disposal to make sure the claims of abuse never see the light of day.

The innocence of the child is such a thing of beauty that it deserves only to be nourished, to be encouraged, to be explored, to make them into the very best human being that they possibly can be. They need to be given, not only their wings, but the license to fly! They deserve to lead their life, their way. They are not creatures made in our image so we can live our own hopes and dreams through them. Why punish them because they choose a different path?

As adults we are made train for most other tasks we undertake. We are made get a license to drive a car, a qualification for our profession, permits to build houses and the list goes on. But one night of unbridled passion, one time of fumbled sex, one act of rape and a life can be conceived. A life that we as adults will shape without one ounce of experience. Considering that this is the case a lot of adults manage to become reasonable parents, some manage to be great parents and others fail miserably. Governments try their best to protect children, but the system still fails the vulnerable in many cases. A lot has been gained, but their are still many lessons to be learned.

Most importantly, we as family, as community and as a people need to recognize the need for love and nurture does not end with childhood. It is ongoing and lifelong. If we care for, nurture, and show true compassion to all men, especially the vulnerable amongst us, then we will see them heal. We will allow them to fly in the manner they were destined, when they took their first gasp as they were bundled into the world.

Look around you. Do not judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes. Take time to get to truly know your friends. Do not brush aside their vulnerabilities, care for them, nurture them! Believe me - it is one hundred percent worth it. It is definitely a 'pay it forward' situation. Everybody wins!

Cheers

Bitches Coz! 

Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com

Are Caregivers Harmful? #frailty #disability #relationships

Today, I ask you - have you ever asked for some advice how to do something, and suddenly found that the whole thing has been taken over, as if you are a complete moron.

For me it's like asking someone with greater knowledge than me, how to open an application on the computer with which I am having difficulty.  Yes, I know my way around the keyboard. (I have been doing it forever it seems.) Yes, I can touch type with my eyes closed.  All I am asking for, is to be shown how to do it.  Next thing,  I am off making a cup of tea for them - pouring myself a strong drink while they browse my server with such ease. And yes, they have opened the application and downloaded the data that I wanted. Then, before I have time to take in the knowledge that they have never let me learn hands on, I find, times up! They have drunk their tea, and exited the door before I get to know how to do it, for the next time.  They leave happy with themselves that they have helped this wretched feeble person with such an easy to do, task.  (This care giver, gave this help before his tea got cold and, my drink was barely to my mouth - all with two finger typing.) Now that, is caring!  

communities.acs.org

My question here is, 'How often do we take on the role of care giver to our parents, the elderly, the children, our partners, and the disabled without acknowledging their dignity, their prior skills, or their learning capacity.  I know I have been guilty. (Guess my computer carer, helped me to open the 'karma' app to my soul.)  We have all given our time to others but, have we really helped? Or, have we simply shown them, that they are totally inadequate, that they are the feeble moron of which I spoke earlier. Well, we have achieved what they wanted and exited, feeling proud of a job well done.

This is where we should think before we leap.  Is the person we are helping, asking for you to take over? Or, are they merely asking for a little help, a little of your experience, a little wisdom to make their job easier or some reassurance that they can do it?

How often are we asked by the aged to show them where they sign a form?  How many times are we asked to explain a question on a child's homework?  How many times does our partner ask us show them where the TV remote is?  How many times has a disabled person asked you to simplify their situation?  

I know what my answer is owing to having the patience of bull.  My parents will ask me where to sign the form. Next thing,I am filling the whole thing out.  My partner has asked where the remote is and, instead of saying behind the books on the coffee table, I have raced over, grabbed it, asked him what station he wants to watch and, changed the channel.  My partner, who is also deaf and Chinese will have asked me to simplify the English of a manual, that was originally written in Chinese, and subsequently translated to English. Then, there I am, operating the implement I never even wanted to use in the first place.  Am I the carer?  No, I have simply taken their dignity away from them.  I have tried to be time efficient.  All this caring, and trying to simplify their life, but I have not allowed them take control of their own lives.  

These people, I might add, have raised children, worked for a million years, have found their way in their quiet world in the streets of Penang and Hong Kong. They have learned to deal with life's journey and still had time to pat themselves on the back for a job well done. I have done nothing but exaggerate their shortcomings by my sense of caring.  

Put simply, I say to you, 'When someone asks for help, examine what they really need. Don't give them a sense of their frailty. Yes, do it all for them, if they give you permission to do so.  But, remember like me and the computer carer, they need to retain their dignity and their sense of achievement.  

Think first then offer.

kidsmatter.edu.au

Cheers

Bitchescoz 

Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com

Advice Required - Big Time #dilemma #gay #matriarch

To all those who read, and respond to, my writings, I am calling on you right now to advise me.!

Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of time with a dear friend of mine who is between a rock and a hard place.  I have listened to him and have said, I can give my feeble advice but, I am out of my depth here.  I told him that I would ask for some advice to help him with his problem.  So here I am, begging for anyone out there who may have some advice on how I, in turn can advise him as to what to do.  I have given him my word that there will be no mention of names, hereditary, nor where he comes from, so he has given me permission to ask advice, give him answers/reasons as to his situation.

Ok, let's begin with some background to his life.  He was born to a normal yet well healed family.  A family that shows greatness in family matters.  They take great pride that their family be seen as a pillar of society. A family that appears greater on the outside, than inside the privacy of their homes. From my discussions with him, and what I have witnessed over the years, their family hierarchy is built on a very strong matriarchal presence.  The mother rules the roost but, with a slight of hand that appears not to come from her.  She has, forever, been seen to outsiders as a caring and sharing woman of substance.  Even today in her later years she is seen as this sweet little old lady that is giving of heart, soul and compassion.  Not so for my friend and I might add to anyone who has crossed her in the past or now.

She prides herself on her petiteness and her 'best dressed' status.  I have had the misfortune of accompanying my friend, and his mother, to dress shops. Within 5 minutes you have heard her life story, mention of her age, and her size at her age. Within those 5 minutes the shop assistant has fulfilled her needs by overly patronising her age, gushing forth compliments and stroking her ego. I am sure if this woman had a Facebook page, it would be adored by millions for her good deeds to charity and, her nurturing of family, especially my gay friend who by this time is cowering in the corner of the nearest changeroom.  In my humble opinion this woman is so egocentric that I want to rush to the nearest fire extinguisher, and put out the malicious spite in velvety tones that comes from her mouth.

This woman needs to be adored and worshipped for her great works to humanity and her family.  This woman needs even at her age to be seen as something that men still crave, and lust after. Anyone, who does not measure up to her unwritten criteria, is to this day exiled and will suffer her wrath.

I asked my friend of his mother's friends.  Does this woman have friends and girlfriends?  (Do they still call each other girlfriends at her age?)  His reply is that she has only had a few girlfriends that he could recall in his life.  These women were friends only when they were at their weakest. She would befriend them, tell them how much they relied on her, and once they had made it back up from their misery, she would dispense of their friendship.  The search was then on for another conquest to share her 'compassion'.  It appears she only needed them while they were fuelling her need for praise and thanks.  (I would think that they saw an opening, and bolted to the exit before they could no longer breathe from the the exhaustive breaths of adoration they had to bestow on her.)  Men in her life, he says, were her achilles heal!  She needed them to surround her!  She needed them to be in pursuit of her.  If they stroked her ego they could stay in her presence.  If they offended her ego in anyway, it was, and is, like biting the heal that was not dipped in the River Styx.  It appears that, but for her heal, the woman is immortal.  And, all that are in her presence must strictly adhere to her criteria. 

I then asked him of his family, he said his family is not huge as his mother was an only child. He had a grandmother (since departed) that he adored; sisters of his grandmother (also departed) with whom he shared great time and fun; two sisters, one exiled and one that he has great admiration and love for;  a brother that is distant and calculating and knows which heal not to touch when around his mother.  After the death of his grandmother and aunts, the matriarch stopped at nothing to destroy his memories of them. The sister that he is close to has discussed with him many times that she is not appreciated, nor loved, by the mother but, tries to keep in touch for the sake of the family.  When the mother hears of these two talking she alienates him until they hide their communication to fulfil the mother's desires.  This slight of hand, that I spoke of before, is certainly a magical trick she plays as she pits one against the other. Both crave love and acceptance! They don't want to rock the boat that they were born into. The father is a lovely old gentleman but, always wants to please his love! For he knows, that once upon a time, he nibbled on her heal, and he paid for that dearly, by being exiled for many years.  He now wants to play out his twilight years without drama and will conform to her rules.  Even his nearest and dearest, and only, living sister has been turned from him and to play it safe, he has no communication but through the matriarch.  

On his relationships - while, my friend is seen as the dominant one in his relationship she favours him (I guess coz he is a man in her eyes) but, the partner is then destroyed as, he being the weaker of the two, becomes a threat to the son's affection for her. When the son is seen as the less dominant, as he is at this moment in time, she favours the other, then seeks to destroy her son.  (Weird to me that a mother can ever turn on her own!)  In his life he has struggled through many sicknesses and yes the mother has always been helpful. However, she always needs adoration for her kindness and pours out to everyone of her greatness. And, I might add, she always tells others she has had the same afflictions but has dealt with them silently. (I have heard it from her own mouth.)  Again showing her courageous nature (such a crock.) As a gay guy, he has had many female friends and yes, she destroys them too! She embeds and embellishes herself onto them so deeply, that they back out of his life or he just does not mention them to her in fear of her taking them from him as well.  When he mentions them to her, and does not introduce, she works herself into a frenzy and makes remarks pertaining to his secretive nature. She always plays the trump card that she does everything in her power to be the best mother and yet he does not include her. (Fuck I feel for this guy!)

As a friend, I now keep well clear of any association with her as I don't wish to be destroyed by her. But, more so because I want to be friends with him and his partner, and be some strength to help them face what she puts them through.  

Ok, now I ask you for help as to how to advise him.  My suggestion was to stop contact with her, but my friend and his partner are very family conscious and care far too deeply for that.  He loves his father, and knows that if he was to do that, she would destroy that cherished time he spends with him.  

I am so confused! Can you help me, help him?  I am so out of my depth here, as to whether this woman has Munchausen by proxy, a black widow syndrome, or is she just plain evil?  I am teetering on 'plain evil'.  

So if you have any advice on the matter - help me help him!

Cheers

Bitchescoz

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