A little while back, I wrote of a friend of mine and his stressful
relationship with his mother. I asked if anyone could give advice of how to
help him with his dilemma. I passed the advice and information from your emails
on to him. Thank you!
After
discussions with his new found helpers, they established that he should distance his
contact with her. For the most part, all was going well apart from her
abusive texts, and her usual undermining of him to family and friends,
but he rose above it all and was going along quite well.
Inevitably
a family function had to be attended. He hummed and haa'd as to whether he should
go, or not ,but decided he had nothing to hide so he would attend. This
reunion was to be difficult for him, but I know sometimes you need to
bite the bullet. I advised him to play it cool and just be nice. Hopefully the evening would go without incident and he would stay his
dignity, which he has always kept, intact!
Sure
enough the woman ,in her evil plot, had readied herself for the kill.
The minute he arrived she told everyone of the prodigal sons return! Of
how she had been neglected, and shunned, after everything she had ever
done for him. The 'everything' that she had done, was that of any normal
parent - clothe, educate and feed him as a child. She failed to talk of her
manipulation, her torment, her unending assassination of his character
over the years. She also failed to admit that even after all of this,
he stood tall and accepted her abuse publicly and personally. Never did
he once denounce her and her evil, embarrassing her like she so often
did to him.
I am proud that my friend
kept his cool throughout the evening. I am proud that my friend did
not dip into the gene pool and retaliate in the matriarchal way. I am
proud that my friend left in a dignified manner! Even after she had
publicly stated that his love had been payed for in full through her
expenditure on him from birth. Sometimes
I feel that no matter how often you turn the cheek and turn back with
love, there is a time for you to walk away. Don't look back. Refuse to
be someone who others can wipe their feet on. Let it Go.
My
friend and many others have endured this humiliation, this abuse. This
form of abuse, though not physical, is something from which you must escape,
despite the costs. No one should endure physical or emotional beatings.
No tie, family, friend or lover should have to succumb to this.
We
intend to stand beside my friend through the emotion, the mourning of
his family loss. Any member of his family that allows this to happen to a
fellow human being, is not worthy to be in his presence. We will help
him through his loss. Help him to rebuild a life that is compete
without the abuse that he has become so used to.
If
anyone you know is suffering abuse in any shape or form please stand by
them. Please give them support, as even if they willingly choose to leave this abusive relationship and family situation, they will indeed feel loss, and they will feel a
mourning. Please don't stand back and, say it has nothing to do with
you. Abuse is something that needs to
be stopped. Every person deserves the dignity of respect. Every person
deserves someone to lean on in their times of trouble.
Unless
we reach out and offer help, care, and comfort to those suffering our
lives will be shallow. If we don't offer help we will be as guilty
as my friend's evil mother.
These are
my thoughts. I hope and pray that you too may feel as I do and reach
out and be a shoulder for those more needy than ourselves. Till next
time.
Cheers!
Bitchescoz
Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com
Today, I
ask you - have you ever asked for some advice how to do something, and
suddenly found that the whole thing has been taken over, as if you are a complete
moron.
For me it's like asking someone
with greater knowledge than me, how to open an application on the
computer with which I am having difficulty. Yes, I know my way
around the keyboard. (I have been doing it forever it seems.) Yes, I can
touch type with my eyes closed. All I am asking for, is to be shown
how to do it. Next thing, I am off making a cup of tea for them -
pouring myself a strong drink while they browse my server with such
ease. And yes, they have opened the application and downloaded the data that I wanted. Then, before I have time to take in the knowledge that they
have never let me learn hands on, I find, times up! They have drunk their
tea, and exited the door before I get to know how to do it, for the next
time. They leave happy with themselves that they have helped this
wretched feeble person with such an easy to do, task. (This care giver,
gave this help before his tea got cold and, my drink was barely to my
mouth - all with two finger typing.) Now that, is caring!
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My
question here is, 'How often do we take on the role of care giver to our
parents, the elderly, the children, our partners, and the disabled without
acknowledging their dignity, their prior skills, or their learning
capacity. I know I have been guilty. (Guess my computer carer, helped
me to open the 'karma' app to my soul.) We have all given our time to
others but, have we really helped? Or, have we simply shown them, that they are
totally inadequate, that they are the feeble moron of which I spoke
earlier. Well, we have achieved what they wanted and exited, feeling proud of a job well done.
This
is where we should think before we leap. Is the person we are helping,
asking for you to take over? Or, are they merely asking for a little
help, a little of your experience, a little wisdom to make their job
easier or some reassurance that they can do it?
How
often are we asked by the aged to show them where they sign a form?
How many times are we asked to explain a question on a child's
homework? How many times does our partner ask us show them where the TV
remote is? How many times has a disabled person asked you to simplify their
situation?
I know what my answer is
owing to having the patience of bull. My parents will ask me where to
sign the form. Next thing,I am filling the whole thing out. My partner has
asked where the remote is and, instead of saying behind the books on the
coffee table, I have raced over, grabbed it, asked him what station he
wants to watch and, changed the channel. My partner, who is also deaf and
Chinese will have asked me to simplify the English of a manual, that
was originally written in Chinese, and subsequently translated to English. Then, there I am,
operating the implement I never even wanted to use in the first place.
Am I the carer? No, I have simply taken their dignity away from them. I have
tried to be time efficient. All this caring, and trying to simplify
their life, but I have not allowed them take control of their own lives.
These
people, I might add, have raised children, worked for a million years,
have found their way in their quiet world in the streets of Penang and
Hong Kong. They have learned to deal with life's journey and still had
time to pat themselves on the back for a job well done. I have done
nothing but exaggerate their shortcomings by my sense of caring.
Put
simply, I say to you, 'When someone asks for help, examine what they
really need. Don't give them a sense of their frailty. Yes, do it all
for them, if they give you permission to do so. But, remember like me
and the computer carer, they need to retain their dignity and their
sense of achievement.
Think first then offer.
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Cheers
Bitchescoz
Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com
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