Shaping a Future! #nurture #frailty #hope #resilience

When we are children we believe that adults are all-knowing, we think they are infallible. We trust them implicitly not knowing they too are simply human beings. It is this trust that makes us vulnerable to their weaknesses, whether their moulding of our minds is intentional or not. Being a parent is not an easy task but it is one of the most important and probably the one role in life for which we are least qualified. This is especially true today where families of one or two is the norm and children grow up isolated from extended families. In the old days just about every child carried a toddler on their hip as they played in the street and so their parenting and nurturing lessons began very early in life.

That is not to say the most nurturing of parents do not have their foibles and weaknesses. We all know fathers who work long hours and spend more time with their work colleagues than their families. There parents who have been to war and find solace in a bottle. Others trapped in very unhappy unions which have devastating consequences for all involved. It is the circumstances of our parents that make us the adult we become. Fear of stepping into the world of business as a result of a childhood of worrying if the bank would fore close on your parents financial interests, thus making you homeless. Having a house full of unfolded washing making you anal about each item of clothing having its place! Seeing your Mother parked in a corner at the rare social gathering you attended, while your father was the life and soul of the party! These may seem trivial now, but in the eyes of a child they become etched into your psyche making you the adult you are today.

Others have much bigger fish to fry! Their childhoods are one of abuse, sometimes in all forms - verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. Many (sadly not all) rise above this to become reasonably well adjusted adults. Though the scars are still there. Many times they are buried deep within, but they are definitely responsible for the adult we become. What gives these parents the right to inflict such misery on the little person in their lives. These parents actually do not have any rights. They have responsibilities in which, they are sadly lacking. But, they lost their rights as parents the minute the abuse began. The fact that these children battle through often in silence is testimony to the resilience of the human spirit. They grow into adults in spite of their parents. Some rise above their circumstances to live good lives, some are irreversibly broken, some take their own lives and others become abusers themselves.

As parents, their is no excuse for the bad treatment of our children. They did not ask to be conceived. They did not ask to be carried in the womb for nine months to be spat out into a life of hell. This life of hell has no class barriers. It is universal across all ares of society - just the rich have more means and resources at their disposal to make sure the claims of abuse never see the light of day.

The innocence of the child is such a thing of beauty that it deserves only to be nourished, to be encouraged, to be explored, to make them into the very best human being that they possibly can be. They need to be given, not only their wings, but the license to fly! They deserve to lead their life, their way. They are not creatures made in our image so we can live our own hopes and dreams through them. Why punish them because they choose a different path?

As adults we are made train for most other tasks we undertake. We are made get a license to drive a car, a qualification for our profession, permits to build houses and the list goes on. But one night of unbridled passion, one time of fumbled sex, one act of rape and a life can be conceived. A life that we as adults will shape without one ounce of experience. Considering that this is the case a lot of adults manage to become reasonable parents, some manage to be great parents and others fail miserably. Governments try their best to protect children, but the system still fails the vulnerable in many cases. A lot has been gained, but their are still many lessons to be learned.

Most importantly, we as family, as community and as a people need to recognize the need for love and nurture does not end with childhood. It is ongoing and lifelong. If we care for, nurture, and show true compassion to all men, especially the vulnerable amongst us, then we will see them heal. We will allow them to fly in the manner they were destined, when they took their first gasp as they were bundled into the world.

Look around you. Do not judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes. Take time to get to truly know your friends. Do not brush aside their vulnerabilities, care for them, nurture them! Believe me - it is one hundred percent worth it. It is definitely a 'pay it forward' situation. Everybody wins!

Cheers

Bitches Coz! 

Contact: luke65mcbride@gmail.com

Determined by our Past??

My dear partner has a saying that is both endearing and annoying. He says it all the time when we are making up after an argument; when things have not quite turned out as expected; or we have been let down by those around us. 'Past is Past' he says! Alternately, whist not dwelling on the past, another friend of mine believes you cannot know where you are going if you cannot acknowledge where you come from. To make peace with our past is one of the most difficult tasks we face through life, as mostly, our past experience which  molds who we become, is in the hands of others.

The single biggest influence in our lives is family, or lack of, depending upon our circumstance. The  family ideal, of kids raised in the bosom of a loving Mum and Dad, is definitely not the norm today. A family today varies from a single parent successfully raising children alone, same sex couples raising their children in a loving, nurturing atmosphere, Mum and Dad battling through to raise happy and carefree young adults. While these families definitely do exist, there are others where the trauma of dysfunctional parenting, circumstance of poverty, separation, and abuse make life choices for children raised in these families difficult. The old saying of 'The more things change, the more they stay the same" applies to parenting and families as well. Dysfunctional families have existed since man stood upright and walked on two legs. It is how we have dealt with the human debris from such families that has changed. In the past children were taken from, or given up by, their parents to become wards of the state, where they were placed in institutions at the mercy of tyrannical nuns, brothers,  wardens and the like. Unfortunately, (what an understatement) for these hapless tots life was about to take a turn very much for the worse! Whether we like it or not, our past circumstance plays an enormous role in the baggage we carry through our lives.

This is evident in the haunted faces of the witnesses at the Royal Commission into the Abuse of Children at the hand of Institutions. These poor souls have had their lives destroyed. They have clawed their way back from hell on earth to 'live' as normal a life as is possible. But, the life they live is nothing like the life they may have led, had these disgusting acts of violence and sexual abuse not been perpetrated against them. What a sick society we live in that some of these people have had to wait 60 years to have a voice. There are thousands of others who will not come forward, not because they lack the courage, but simply because the pain is buried so deep within that it is impossible to allow it to bubble up to the surface. To do so would simply destroy them. Maybe, one day, they will be ready, but then again - maybe not! To say these people should learn from their past is a statement of the ignorant as they have a lesson in their past that has left them truly broken.

So what happens when abuse is not only handed out by the Brothers at school, but the family as well. How do these damaged people break away from the cycle of abuse that continues as manipulation and subversive bullying long into adulthood. It is well nigh impossible as the perpetrators have groomed their victim into submissiveness. They believe they are worthless, eager to please and craving acceptance. Add into this the gay factor and the perfect storm presents! Why do people do this, to those they supposedly love? Is it because he is gay? How can they systematically set about purposely destroying the life of one of their own. All the time making out it is all his own fault. All the time playing mind games that leave him believing he is nothing but trash. Every time he claws his way from the brink of hell they are there stomping on him, pushing him back into the abyss. These people revel in their power. How can one escape the past, when the past becomes the present.

Everyone has a past and often those who are the keenest to present a posh face to the world have the most to hide. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but admiration for those who rise above adversity to lead very successful lives. But we must not forget our past! We might try to bury it, or sweep it under the carpe, but it always comes back to bite us on the arse if we are not honest about, from where we have come. A lot of people passing judgement on others would do well to remember this. Their lives hold a lot of skeletons. Everyone would do well to remember their childhood and youth, to remember their feelings and acknowledge their mistakes. Especially before they make decisions that damage or destroy those around them.

To come to terms with our past, we have to forgive ourselves. We have to realize we are not to blame for acts perpetrated against us. Some say we must forgive those who have perpetrated these indictments - forgive but not forget! This is easy to say, but almost impossible to do, especially when it appears that justice will never be served.To learn from our past is inevitable! What a lesson though - one of human frailty, cruelty and fickleness.

The one consolation in all this, is the strength of human spirit that shines through. Not in how society has compensated these victims of their past, but in how these broken souls have risen to become mothers, fathers and valuable members of the society that failed them.

May God bless them and may they find peace in their lifetime!

Bitches Coz!