A Kettle Watched! #inspiration #dreams #passion

Today I was catching up on my Facebook and watched a video sent by a friend. This video has gone viral - well in our little Facebook world it's viral. I watched this quite large dude dancing in a competition and immediately thought 'What the???' Then you get into it and see this dude is really great. He is doing something he cares for and has great passion for. - a real 'feel good moment' and immediately your finger starts hovering over the 'like' and 'share' symbols.

At this time you think to yourself - yeah! This guy is out there achieving his dreams! He is not sitting back watching the kettle boil.  This guy is steaming himself! He is not going to sit back and make his wish list, of what he could have done, longer than his list of dreams fulfilled. As the late and great Maya Angelou wrote 'Nothing can dim the light which shines from within!'  This guy shines.  This guy makes you believe that you can achieve, no matter what.  You have to believe in yourself and make it happen.

Yes, it is all well and good to watch the kettle boil and dream of the nice warm cuppa. But, be careful - it may boil dry in front of your very eyes. While waiting get your ingredients prepared.  Add a spoon full of passion, a teaspoon of love and a few grains of determination to your blend.  While your mixing, ring a few friends and invite them over to share your bounty.  Together you may very well share common ground and encourage others to develop a blend that inspires, teases, and tempts them to achieve dreams. Dreams they may previously regretted not brewing! 

At this moment I think to myself, don't just sit here with your finger hovering over the 'like' symbol. Achieve some dreams I have of my own.  Listen to some others and encourage them to get their bucket list active.  Listen to my partner, help him achieve more dreams. (God knows I could learn heaps from what he has achieved, being deaf and overcoming a disability, to inspire others)

So join with me, back away from the desk and get out there follow your dreams, encourage others to achieve despite disability, fear of discrimination and barriers.

Learn to love yourself a little.  Help others to love themselves.

Cheers

Bitchesco

Advice Required - Big Time #dilemma #gay #matriarch

To all those who read, and respond to, my writings, I am calling on you right now to advise me.!

Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of time with a dear friend of mine who is between a rock and a hard place.  I have listened to him and have said, I can give my feeble advice but, I am out of my depth here.  I told him that I would ask for some advice to help him with his problem.  So here I am, begging for anyone out there who may have some advice on how I, in turn can advise him as to what to do.  I have given him my word that there will be no mention of names, hereditary, nor where he comes from, so he has given me permission to ask advice, give him answers/reasons as to his situation.

Ok, let's begin with some background to his life.  He was born to a normal yet well healed family.  A family that shows greatness in family matters.  They take great pride that their family be seen as a pillar of society. A family that appears greater on the outside, than inside the privacy of their homes. From my discussions with him, and what I have witnessed over the years, their family hierarchy is built on a very strong matriarchal presence.  The mother rules the roost but, with a slight of hand that appears not to come from her.  She has, forever, been seen to outsiders as a caring and sharing woman of substance.  Even today in her later years she is seen as this sweet little old lady that is giving of heart, soul and compassion.  Not so for my friend and I might add to anyone who has crossed her in the past or now.

She prides herself on her petiteness and her 'best dressed' status.  I have had the misfortune of accompanying my friend, and his mother, to dress shops. Within 5 minutes you have heard her life story, mention of her age, and her size at her age. Within those 5 minutes the shop assistant has fulfilled her needs by overly patronising her age, gushing forth compliments and stroking her ego. I am sure if this woman had a Facebook page, it would be adored by millions for her good deeds to charity and, her nurturing of family, especially my gay friend who by this time is cowering in the corner of the nearest changeroom.  In my humble opinion this woman is so egocentric that I want to rush to the nearest fire extinguisher, and put out the malicious spite in velvety tones that comes from her mouth.

This woman needs to be adored and worshipped for her great works to humanity and her family.  This woman needs even at her age to be seen as something that men still crave, and lust after. Anyone, who does not measure up to her unwritten criteria, is to this day exiled and will suffer her wrath.

I asked my friend of his mother's friends.  Does this woman have friends and girlfriends?  (Do they still call each other girlfriends at her age?)  His reply is that she has only had a few girlfriends that he could recall in his life.  These women were friends only when they were at their weakest. She would befriend them, tell them how much they relied on her, and once they had made it back up from their misery, she would dispense of their friendship.  The search was then on for another conquest to share her 'compassion'.  It appears she only needed them while they were fuelling her need for praise and thanks.  (I would think that they saw an opening, and bolted to the exit before they could no longer breathe from the the exhaustive breaths of adoration they had to bestow on her.)  Men in her life, he says, were her achilles heal!  She needed them to surround her!  She needed them to be in pursuit of her.  If they stroked her ego they could stay in her presence.  If they offended her ego in anyway, it was, and is, like biting the heal that was not dipped in the River Styx.  It appears that, but for her heal, the woman is immortal.  And, all that are in her presence must strictly adhere to her criteria. 

I then asked him of his family, he said his family is not huge as his mother was an only child. He had a grandmother (since departed) that he adored; sisters of his grandmother (also departed) with whom he shared great time and fun; two sisters, one exiled and one that he has great admiration and love for;  a brother that is distant and calculating and knows which heal not to touch when around his mother.  After the death of his grandmother and aunts, the matriarch stopped at nothing to destroy his memories of them. The sister that he is close to has discussed with him many times that she is not appreciated, nor loved, by the mother but, tries to keep in touch for the sake of the family.  When the mother hears of these two talking she alienates him until they hide their communication to fulfil the mother's desires.  This slight of hand, that I spoke of before, is certainly a magical trick she plays as she pits one against the other. Both crave love and acceptance! They don't want to rock the boat that they were born into. The father is a lovely old gentleman but, always wants to please his love! For he knows, that once upon a time, he nibbled on her heal, and he paid for that dearly, by being exiled for many years.  He now wants to play out his twilight years without drama and will conform to her rules.  Even his nearest and dearest, and only, living sister has been turned from him and to play it safe, he has no communication but through the matriarch.  

On his relationships - while, my friend is seen as the dominant one in his relationship she favours him (I guess coz he is a man in her eyes) but, the partner is then destroyed as, he being the weaker of the two, becomes a threat to the son's affection for her. When the son is seen as the less dominant, as he is at this moment in time, she favours the other, then seeks to destroy her son.  (Weird to me that a mother can ever turn on her own!)  In his life he has struggled through many sicknesses and yes the mother has always been helpful. However, she always needs adoration for her kindness and pours out to everyone of her greatness. And, I might add, she always tells others she has had the same afflictions but has dealt with them silently. (I have heard it from her own mouth.)  Again showing her courageous nature (such a crock.) As a gay guy, he has had many female friends and yes, she destroys them too! She embeds and embellishes herself onto them so deeply, that they back out of his life or he just does not mention them to her in fear of her taking them from him as well.  When he mentions them to her, and does not introduce, she works herself into a frenzy and makes remarks pertaining to his secretive nature. She always plays the trump card that she does everything in her power to be the best mother and yet he does not include her. (Fuck I feel for this guy!)

As a friend, I now keep well clear of any association with her as I don't wish to be destroyed by her. But, more so because I want to be friends with him and his partner, and be some strength to help them face what she puts them through.  

Ok, now I ask you for help as to how to advise him.  My suggestion was to stop contact with her, but my friend and his partner are very family conscious and care far too deeply for that.  He loves his father, and knows that if he was to do that, she would destroy that cherished time he spends with him.  

I am so confused! Can you help me, help him?  I am so out of my depth here, as to whether this woman has Munchausen by proxy, a black widow syndrome, or is she just plain evil?  I am teetering on 'plain evil'.  

So if you have any advice on the matter - help me help him!

Cheers

Bitchescoz

dailymail.co.uk

Till Hell Freezes Over! #lgbti, #gayboys #gayfun

Every now and again, we all wake on the wrong side of the bed (not for the reasons you are thinking) and a little grumpy. (Not me of course!  Coz - I may have emitted in previous writings that I am perfect, he he.)  Yes, we all have emotions that come and go and, sometimes it is best to be left alone for a while, while you get over it.  However, I feel it is better to slap up the 'do not disturb' sign to give yourself time to sort through it, rather than not telling those around you, you want 'me' time.  Not everyone is a mind reader! (Again, one of my forte's best not mentioned is that I may have a bent for reading too much into it.) But let's talk about someone else for a while.  Let's talk about those who aren't as gifted as moi.

Having established that you want to be alone for a while, allows others to get their thought processes in swing.  It allows them to know that it will pass. It is just a process you need to go through at your own pace.  It allows them, if they are spirited thinkers, to develop strategies as to why you got into that space in the first place. If they realize they were the catapult for your 'me' time, they can get their excuses and defense ready, before you fire the first shot as to why they got you there in the first place.

If you are not following me at the moment, this is how my partner and I were this morning. Simply by communicating our feelings we could have avoided an afternoon of our game of 'guilt ball'.  For those who don't know, 'guilt ball' is a game where the Ice Princess defends her castle from any intrusion. Prince Grumpy may have avoided this game, if only he had erected the 'do not disturb' sign before he tried to enter her realm.  Sort of like a game of ice hockey but (after his quiet treatment without explanation) his puck would be battled and never enter the goal posts until he developed a better game plan.

Therefore, for those who do not  want a game of 'guilt ball'  communicate your feelings to those you love. Get your game plan into action.  Advise the other team of your delay of game, don't risk a face-off, don't risk the penalty of game misconduct.  If your plan is not to communicate your game plan, then place your jock firmly in place. Know that your biscuit may never enter the breezers and you may face a penalty that is butt ending, forfeiting your game for a very long cold season.

Life is a game we all play, despite my attempt to block  the other players goal, we all must play a part in the game.  A game of ice solitaire can be a rather useless, time wasting sport.  In my way of thinking a team of either two or more can give you more satisfaction if the game is played with great sportsman etiquette and  camaraderie.

Not for one minute am I saying that communication solves all problems quickly.  It can be a very long game.  But until it is solved a little frost bite doesn't hurt anyone, as long as when the game is played you unite as one in the club room and supply some warming cream and a tip or two for the next game.

Cheers

Bitchescoz

Come Little Children

With the Royal Commission into the Institutional Abuse of Children in Australia still underway, maybe, it is time to have a look at how these institutions are choosing to deal with the ramifications from the heartbreaking evidence being presented to the Commission. Oh, there will be measures that will be seen to be done, but will the culture that forms the basis of the institution actually change? I don't think so! No, I know so!

The abuse within the Catholic Church is as entrenched as it is endemic. It occurs worldwide, and the weak and the vulnerable, they are supposed to protect, are laid bare at the alter, sacrificed to some deviate Priest or Brother. The abuse has occurred since the very beginning of the Church and continues today. With the installation of Pope Francis there is a glimmer of hope as this gentle, humble man seeks to reconnect the arrogant Catholic Church with its parishioners. However, how disappointing is the the beatification of Pope John Paul 11 (to say this has been expediated, is something of an understatement). Along with the help of Pope Benedict he swept the problem under the carpet. What message does this beatification send to the victims of abuse at the hands of the Catholic Church? They make the very man who oversaw, and facilitated, the destruction of evidence of abuse and, the protection of the Priests who perpetuated it - a Saint!!!  May God help us, as the Catholic Church surely will not!

The Church has been dragged kicking and screaming (with the exception of a few) to the Royal Commission. They claim that the abuse has been dealt with! That their "Toward Healing" Program, where victims of abuse are coerced into signing confidentiality clauses, and offered some paltry sum for their suffering, has been successful in the rehabilitation of the victims. Pffft! Meanwhile, the Priest has been moved to another Parish or the ultimate protection of the Vatican to continue his abuse of the next lot of victims. When victims and their parents have enough courage to go to the police they are stonewalled at every turn. Once again the Church closes ranks to protect the Priest and force the victims and their families into massive debt, fighting their way through the legal system. Not only are they victims of the ongoing sexual abuse, they are further abused by the Church as they seek justice for their suffering. What makes this the most heinous of situations is the Church preaches its ethos of Christian caring and sharing. And yet, all the while not only failing to initially protect the vulnerable, but actively working against the victim to protect the perpetrators and the finances of the richest institution on Earth.

When we think of institutional abuse we think of the hapless victims of abuse within the orphanages run by the catholic Church and others. The physical abuse and mental abuse at the hands of the nuns and brothers is horrendous, and only surpassed by the sexual abuse metered out to these children. However, sexual abuse occurred at nearly every Catholic Parish in Australia at some time or another depending upon whether there was a pedophile Priest in residence or not. How disgusting that these deviates supposedly doing the Lord's work were/are allowed to continue unchecked. You can be guaranteed in Third World Countries, where the Catholic Church is the fastest growing church, that history is repeating itself and the little boys and girls will fall victim to the pedophiles in a collar and a frock that supposedly preach the word of God. Thank God in places like Australia, the abuse will no longer be as widespread. However, a nun recently said to me, that all these new Priests being imported from overseas have very little regard for Australia's Child Protection Laws! WTF??? Will the Catholic Church ever learn.

Recently, Catholic Education went into damage control when sexual abuse went unchecked in the Toowoomba Diocese. Damage control was put into place as this abuse happened here and now - not in the past - but now! But this was all it was - damage control. Is there endemic sexual abuse in Catholic Schools today? I very much doubt it! However, what concerns me is, that these institutions that live by the Catholic ethos of caring and sharing, are run by people who ultimately work to protect the Church not the child. How hypocritical is the Catholic Church, outlawing birth control and yet offering communion to the multitudes who practice it. Divorce is not recognized by the Catholic Church and yet it is fine to pay squillions to the Vatican to get an annulment. What happens to the children of this marriage that never existed? Are they now Bastards, illegitimate children from a non existent union? Why is homosexuality outlawed by the Church and yet it is perfectly fine for a Priest who has taken the Vow of Celebacy to rape and sodomize little boys? This 'fine' Institution makes me sick to my soul.

If the richest institution on Earth has a soul at all, it would practice the Christian ethos it preaches instead of the ethos it practices. Its ethos of fucking everything over, and sweeping it under the carpet is alive and well. And they wonder why their congregations are made up of a dwindling number of  ancient parishioners clutching their Rosary Beads. Pope Francis is a new hope that there will indeed be real change. I just hope he lives long enough to bring change to fruition and drag the Catholic Church into the real world. Maybe the stripping of The Vatican of its "State" status will be the beginning. We can only pray that the lawyers taking on this case have divine help on their side. The resistance from a church, that bought its "State" status from Mussolini in the Second World War with its loyalty to the fascist regime, means it will not give up this up lightly. The stripping of this status will make all the pedophile Priests that have been elevated to Cardinals open to extradition orders and able to face charges in the country of their crimes.

One of the true legacies of Australia's first woman Prime Minister is the Royal Commission into Institutional Child Abuse. It has for the first time allowed these horrifically damaged people a voice. The courage of those who's lives have been ruined is truly amazing, and I hope for some it brings a glimmer of hope and a little peace. It will never bring back those lost to suicide, the years lost to alcoholism and drug abuse, those who battle mental illness, those who have ended up in jail, and most importantly the innocence lost. We can never give these people back their childhoods and in many cases their lives. Without the Royal commission the Churches involved would never have come forward to acknowledge their involvement or the damage they have caused. It has made the Churches at least acknowledge that these crimes were perpetrated on their watch. The real test will be if real change results from the finding. Not just lip service, not just an apology so long as their is a confidentiality clause, but real change where the perpetrators are handed over to face the full force of the law and real, unconditional compensation is given to victims.

To the victims of such crimes, I admire your courage. I admire that you have made your way in life with all the dignity you could muster. May you begin to make peace with your place in the world, and find contentment in the knowledge that your story is finally being heard.

God bless!

Bitches Coz

Care Factor

Today's topic is care or caring! A topic to my way of thinking that, is not as simple as it sounds. How easy is it for us to say we care? But do we really?  We like to think that we do care, but it is not that simple. Caring is not just a temporary state - it is as constant as time. And therein lies the problem!

How many times do you/we say 'Take Care!' and really mean it? How many times do we actually follow through with the caring that we offer? Or is it simply a statement - I offered it - now you're on your own, care for yourself!

Sometimes, I think that is exactly what we mean, we don't have time to care for anyone but ourselves. Is it simply a throw away line like, 'How are you?' or worse, 'Have a nice day!' Do we take time for someone to reply to those one liners?  Or, do we merely throw them in to sound as though we are sweet and sincere?  Deep down, we don't want them to reply we just want them to let you keep on moving. Do we throw them in at the end of text messages because we really mean them or is it just a sign off without true meaning to make the text sound warm and fuzzy. How many of you have had the shopkeeper say to you have a nice day and wanted to shoot them coz you know that they really don't mean it. It's just a fill in line while they move to the next customer. Quite often, by the time you go to reply, they have already started serving the next customer and asked for their frequent shopper card. I for one am tired of the expressions - take care or, have a nice day. They roll off the tongue too easily without 'thought and sincerity' accompanying them.

This appearing to care is not restricted to individuals. How many times have you seen a news item of someone taking their own life? To their credit, the news bulletins broadcast such news in a dignified and respectful way only to finish the item with the throw away line of 'If anyone you know needs help, contact Beyond Blue.' Ok, that is that messy problem dealt with, lets move on! Maybe this is not their intention, but to me it says Ring1800don'tgiveashit! The other problem I have is with days like RUOK Day. I do not wish to denigrate this idea in any way, as it has been created with the best of intentions however,who does it really benefit?  In my workplace there are people who struggle with the 'Black Dog' every day and they hate the platitude of people, who basically don't give a shit, coming up to them and saying "Are you ok?' No, they are not ok, but no-one hangs around long enough to find out. The task has been completed, the general populace feels all warm and fuzzy cos they apparently care, and those that need the care are more marginalized than ever. I for one refuse to participate. I believe it is what you do every day that makes a difference - how you treat people. How you value them and love them.

These initiatives are well meaning but what can we do to become a truly caring society?  What can we do to make others realize that your 'Take Care!' or 'Are you ok?' is sincere and meaningful?   How can we say we care about a cause, simply pay it lip service, and not actually assign emotions and actions to substantiate our involvement? How do we get the ball rolling so others may genuinely take up the challenge of caring and paying it forward?

Grass Roots! Start at home, start caring for your family and friends, put yourself out there - with simple baby steps! (As a friend so often says about anything). Humble beginnings lead to great achievements! Take time to listen, to help out, to show true concern! No matter how simple your help is, it shows true generosity of the heart and time.  How many people do you reflect on and say when they have gone, 'I wish I could have done more!'  'I wish I had got to know them more!'

Don't let this happen to you. Assign yourself with emotion, a generosity of spirit, giving a little time and God knows it will pay off. Not only for yourself but to make that person or cause feel worthy. They in turn will pay it forward to benefit others, and follow your example. A little time well spent brings benefits beyond belief.

So start small, baby steps - when someone needs some caring, offer it.  Get your hands a little dirty, let them tag your ear a bit, let them cry on your shoulder. And humble beginnings will lead to great achievements.

Care for someone today, share some compassion and time and who knows you might not read of their obituary and say, I wish I had got to know them more.

Happy caring,

Bitchescoz

Regret

Recently on Facebook there was, in a Nurse's newsfeed, a post about the dying and regret! In amongst the regrets of the dying listed, was the regret of not living a life true to oneself. It was in their final days, when the dying had made peace with their lot and awaited their Maker with the resignation of acceptance, that they confided in those who were blessed with helping these people through their final days and hours. These angels in the guise of nurses have made public this list in hope of making a difference in people's lives before it is too late.

When all is said and done, how many of us actually lead a life true to ourselves? How many actually pursue a life of happiness and true self fulfillment? And, when we do how many are judged as selfish and self absorbed? Very early in our lives we are taught that 'happiness' is irrevocably entwined in the happiness of others. Thus, the stage is set from infancy, that for those around us to be happy we must act in a way that pleases others. This conditioning is reinforced throughout our various stages of life. Firstly, we crave the happiness and acceptance of our parents. We move though our childhood pleasing our siblings, our friends, and our teachers. And when adulthood looms, we conform to please society, marrying as expected, producing children as expected and thus creating a whole new set of people that require pleasing.  This need to please continues our entire lives as we move through the various stages. And, the realization has just dawned, that the very fabric of society is built on approval, and the behaviour, that results from the craving for this.

In our quest for acceptance, we wear ridiculous fashion, we follow the latest fads and, the more we try to be different to fit into our peer group, the more we become the same. The competitiveness between individuals drives us to strive for bigger and better possessions, flashier cars, cuter children, smarter children, and the list goes on. At what stage of our life do we say 'I don't give a flying fuck what you think, I am going to please myself!' For some of us that day will never come. We stay in unhappy marriages, conforming to the wants of our partners.We allow our children  to dictate the terms and bully us. Our families boss us around telling us how to live our lives, when they are flat out living their own.  We vote in governments that decide their policy on their ideals and not what is best for the people and country. I am surprised that anyone has enough capacity for 'self' to be able to even recognize, let alone regret, not living a life true to oneself.

If this is life for the Mr and Mrs Average who go through life with the boring mediocrity expected of them, how the hell does the average gay guy manage to avoid this regret. The pressure of family, of society, of government means it is sometimes difficult for homosexual people to even acknowledge their sexuality, let alone be loud and proud. We are not openly demonstrative of our love in the company of family and friends, let alone in public. It is slowly improving and I believe it will be easier for the young gay guys coming through, but hell, it is not that long ago that it was actually illegal for two males to have sex with each other. Is society ready for us to live our lives the way we need to so we dodge the bullet of this particular regret? I do not think so!

The only consolation here is that the LGBTI population does not have a mortgage on this. This is a regret that is universal. Whilst it means different things to different people depending on the shackle they wish to cast off , I do not think the world is ready for gay abandonment (sorry guys for pinching your saying for everyone). Can you imagine a world where we all pleased ourselves? Oh God, how absolutely divine would that be. I don't know about you but I have often dreamed of a time where I could simply sail off into the sunset and tell everyone to 'Fuck off!'

I have made some huge steps in my personal life to living my life the way I want to. This has come at a cost but, it is one I am prepared to pay cos I simply am not prepared to live my life as one huge regret. When the time comes for me to look back over my life and reflect what has been, I do not want to say I have lived my whole life according to others.  Sure, there will be regrets and I do not know if they are accumulative, but now I intend to try to stay true to my wants and needs. With minor deviations due to outside pressure, with the help of my partner I/we will live a life true to myself/ourselves.

So take stock of your life, look to yourself to make a difference in your life. After all there is really only one person who is master of your destiny - and that is yourself!

Have strength!

Bitches Coz

Is Patience a Virtue

 
Today at the office we were discussing the virtues of patience, and I got to wondering how many of us actually do have patience.

We all like to think, and tell everyone, that we are patient but, I think it is great to acknowledge that some of us are in denial.  I for one trust my instinct that, along with my other intolerances of intolerance to gluten, intolerance to seafood, I also believe (self diagnosed of course) I have an intolerance to queuing. I also believe, or is that hope, a change in diet and a little detox may cleanse my liver of the shit that has built up on it. Therefore I wait 'patiently' for  the remedy to cure my ailment that I think may have come from birth.

I guess even back then I was suffering from this intolerance - you see I was to be born in the February but no - I decided 'no waiting' - I'm coming out on the 22 January! And, while I'm at it I'm not coming out the normal pathway - I'm not going through 'that'! So, I decided to never allow myself entry to those areas, and came  'out' via Caesarean Section. A path fit for Kings (or is that Queens)!

 Yes, I believe that some of us have a greater tolerance for patience than I, and believe with a little encouragement and reassurance from my friends and partner that I too, may achieve that feeling of euphoria they have, when they  wait in line at the supermarket, or hang on the phone waiting to be fast tracked because you are a valued customer.

Ok! Having established that I do in fact, lack the ability of 'patience' what do I do about it? Do I stand in the supermarket queue and smile sweetly at the 15 people in front of me with more than 10 items in their basket in the express lane?  Do I simply take a novel to the phone while waiting for the bank to tell me I have moved up in the queue? Should I encourage the other shoppers to join me in song '100 green bottles' while the checkout operator has called for a price check from a staff member who has obviously gone on long service leave? Should, when I get to my turn on the bank queue forget that there are 120 others waiting after me and discuss my retirement package, coz when I ring and get on queue the next time, retirement may have happened upon me while waiting?

Having let my partner read what I have written thus far, he slaps me and says, I have to breath deeply and think happy thoughts and that good things come to those who wait.  My immediate thought is have I changed gender and I am in a birthing suite delivering his child naturally?  And if so, I want him here experiencing my pain, slap him up on the gurney and give him a full body wax while I think happy thoughts.

Back into thoughts on patience! Yes, I accept his and my friends thoughts on the euphoria one should achieve in these times. Yes, I accept that I was wrong in thinking of throttling the customers in front of me and that I should offer to push there overladen trolleys to their cars (while I wait) and that I will achieve great abundance of good things happening to me for waiting so long. I should also believe that I should apply more tact and diplomacy to each situation.

Now having gained this knowledge of how to reach a plateau of peace and tranquility, I pour myself a nice glass of wine, sit patiently, write my shopping list, pass it to my partner lovingly and say, "This is what I need from the market Honey, the frequent shoppers card is in my wallet - don't forget it. Oh and it might be best to ring the bank and see if you have enough money in the account to pay for your purchases!"

Cheers

Bitchescoz

Hearing with your Heart

I have lived with full hearing my whole life, and for most part, I have shared my life with hearing people, partners and friends.  My question is do we, as hearing people actually hear or, do we only hear what we want to?  I have heard the expression 'Oh he/she has selective hearing!'  But, is this just a way of blocking out what we don't want to hear;  an I'll deal with that in my own time; an explanation why we don't say what we are thinking; or just plain ignorance?
 
A few times I have had the bad experience of texting a message to a fully hearing, fully seeing person (usually a family member) and they take offense as to what is written. Though they have all their senses in tact, they find it too difficult to clarify the message, instead, going off the deep end and not discovering the true meaning of the text. Then they, after you have had to put everything apart from your toenail clippings in a bag to explain the context of the message, say - 'Why didn't you say that in the first place?'  Or worse - 'You know I hate texting, people shortcut these things and you don't get the meaning.'  My question to that is - Why did you, as the receiver of the text, not ask for an explanation? Why did you let it get out of hand?  Why did you text ten people afterwards telling them I was a scum bag for what I text?  The very thing I text was innocent, the meaning non-intentional and was merely a grammatical mistake! But, that one flippant remark was broadcast to (not the original text I might add) friends, family and anyone who happened to be calling that day, with the inclusion of some very emotional extrapolations to boot.  And, this misunderstanding devoured a whole night, trying to explain as to why you said, or in this case, didn't say those damning comments.  Therefore, I believe those same hearing, seeing people also suffer from a complaint that I call 'selective textness' - a lack of taking time to re-read the text, putting what is said into perspective or, as a political 'has been' once said bothering to ask 'Please explain!'  Instead they create a storm in a teacup that escalates the situation so far out of hand that the only way to solve it is to book a one way ticket to a country without telecommunications or, call in the national guard and welfare agencies to fix the demons that escape unknowingly from my cell phone. Basically, none of this would be needed if they take the time to actually communicate directly with me as to what I might, or might not, have said!

Having wafted on about this, my main reason is to explain how I think communication is often taken  lightly. In this time of fast food, fast cars and internet dating, people don't take the time to listen to, or worse to actually understand, what the other person is trying to say.

My life partner is profoundly deaf and, only in the last few months has been equipped with a cochlear implant.  Might I just add his first language is not English which has complications in itself. Developing communication with each other does take time and effort on both our parts. The doctors say that in time the brain will accept and identify of the new found sounds that he hears, and owing to his ethnicity he hears English as a bit of a gabble.  You see he lost his hearing at the age of 9 and, until now he has lip read those of his native tongue, making it a tad difficult to understand what we, the English, are saying. Might I say it is also exciting to introduce him to sounds he has never heard before - to explain its a bird, a door bell or rain on the roof.  It has the magic of teaching a child new experiences and the sharing of these first experiences together. Yes, there are misunderstandings but, for the most part, we do take time to try to let the other person understand our point of view.  This is why I beg you to try to communicate more, try to give someone your time, try to feel it from their side instead of just believing its all about you. It is in fact, much smoother sailing if you join and care about someone instead of just yourself.  You are not the unlucky one here, you are given the gifts of full communication and should help others who may not of heard that beautiful sound of a bird singing or the wonderful sound of rain falling on a tin roof.

We, as a couple, have found that one of the greatest assets we have is a whiteboard and the use of our phones to text an explanation of something that somehow defies us. Yes, it takes a little more time but, it is worth spending the time and letting each other know what it is we are feeling or want to convey. By returning the writings or the text, we keep the communication open, rather than closing down and taking the misinterpretation to a higher level, let alone bringing unsuspecting others into what should, or could, have been so simple without the need of the national guard.

Therefore, I ask you to open up and talk more! If you can't verbalise it, then write it down and get others to understand what you really wanted. Writing can also be quite cathartic as well, and bring peace to others minds as well as your own.

Take care, open your hearts as well as your ears and eyes and the world will be a better place!

Bitchescoz!

Determined by our Past??

My dear partner has a saying that is both endearing and annoying. He says it all the time when we are making up after an argument; when things have not quite turned out as expected; or we have been let down by those around us. 'Past is Past' he says! Alternately, whist not dwelling on the past, another friend of mine believes you cannot know where you are going if you cannot acknowledge where you come from. To make peace with our past is one of the most difficult tasks we face through life, as mostly, our past experience which  molds who we become, is in the hands of others.

The single biggest influence in our lives is family, or lack of, depending upon our circumstance. The  family ideal, of kids raised in the bosom of a loving Mum and Dad, is definitely not the norm today. A family today varies from a single parent successfully raising children alone, same sex couples raising their children in a loving, nurturing atmosphere, Mum and Dad battling through to raise happy and carefree young adults. While these families definitely do exist, there are others where the trauma of dysfunctional parenting, circumstance of poverty, separation, and abuse make life choices for children raised in these families difficult. The old saying of 'The more things change, the more they stay the same" applies to parenting and families as well. Dysfunctional families have existed since man stood upright and walked on two legs. It is how we have dealt with the human debris from such families that has changed. In the past children were taken from, or given up by, their parents to become wards of the state, where they were placed in institutions at the mercy of tyrannical nuns, brothers,  wardens and the like. Unfortunately, (what an understatement) for these hapless tots life was about to take a turn very much for the worse! Whether we like it or not, our past circumstance plays an enormous role in the baggage we carry through our lives.

This is evident in the haunted faces of the witnesses at the Royal Commission into the Abuse of Children at the hand of Institutions. These poor souls have had their lives destroyed. They have clawed their way back from hell on earth to 'live' as normal a life as is possible. But, the life they live is nothing like the life they may have led, had these disgusting acts of violence and sexual abuse not been perpetrated against them. What a sick society we live in that some of these people have had to wait 60 years to have a voice. There are thousands of others who will not come forward, not because they lack the courage, but simply because the pain is buried so deep within that it is impossible to allow it to bubble up to the surface. To do so would simply destroy them. Maybe, one day, they will be ready, but then again - maybe not! To say these people should learn from their past is a statement of the ignorant as they have a lesson in their past that has left them truly broken.

So what happens when abuse is not only handed out by the Brothers at school, but the family as well. How do these damaged people break away from the cycle of abuse that continues as manipulation and subversive bullying long into adulthood. It is well nigh impossible as the perpetrators have groomed their victim into submissiveness. They believe they are worthless, eager to please and craving acceptance. Add into this the gay factor and the perfect storm presents! Why do people do this, to those they supposedly love? Is it because he is gay? How can they systematically set about purposely destroying the life of one of their own. All the time making out it is all his own fault. All the time playing mind games that leave him believing he is nothing but trash. Every time he claws his way from the brink of hell they are there stomping on him, pushing him back into the abyss. These people revel in their power. How can one escape the past, when the past becomes the present.

Everyone has a past and often those who are the keenest to present a posh face to the world have the most to hide. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but admiration for those who rise above adversity to lead very successful lives. But we must not forget our past! We might try to bury it, or sweep it under the carpe, but it always comes back to bite us on the arse if we are not honest about, from where we have come. A lot of people passing judgement on others would do well to remember this. Their lives hold a lot of skeletons. Everyone would do well to remember their childhood and youth, to remember their feelings and acknowledge their mistakes. Especially before they make decisions that damage or destroy those around them.

To come to terms with our past, we have to forgive ourselves. We have to realize we are not to blame for acts perpetrated against us. Some say we must forgive those who have perpetrated these indictments - forgive but not forget! This is easy to say, but almost impossible to do, especially when it appears that justice will never be served.To learn from our past is inevitable! What a lesson though - one of human frailty, cruelty and fickleness.

The one consolation in all this, is the strength of human spirit that shines through. Not in how society has compensated these victims of their past, but in how these broken souls have risen to become mothers, fathers and valuable members of the society that failed them.

May God bless them and may they find peace in their lifetime!

Bitches Coz!

A Loving nation!

Tonight, I was watching Ricki Martin talk openly about his sexuality and his coming out - the freedom it has given him and peace with who he is. This honesty with our family and friends is still a struggle for some of us as we try to find a way to let those we know and love that we are gay. Funny thing is, a lot of them are aware of this long before we are. I feel sad that there is still this hesitation to publicly acknowledge our sexuality. I actually long for the day when it is no longer an issue - that we are simply people! That we are truly treated equally in every way.

However, when we are fretting about whether or not we are judged on our sexuality, walk in the shoes of someone who is not only gay but has a disability as well. This most amazing man in my life is hearing impaired if we want to be politically correct, or, as he says 'I'm deaf!' He never complains of his lot and with the innocence of a child he sees only good. He brings out the protector in me but he is the most self sufficient, diligent, generous person I know. He has worked his entire adult life, but has battled against the odds to gain employment. He has done this without government help or support. Recently, after leaving his job to relocate, he insisted that we put his disability on his Resume even though it is against the law to discriminate against somebody on such grounds. Why did he do this? Because he said when people find out he is deaf, they will not employ him. He is so honest that he would rather tell them straight up. It does not stop the discrimination, it simply short circuits the recruitment process. They simply do not even bother acknowledging his application.
It is their loss however, as this man is amazing at his job. You will not get a more conscientious, hard working. or talented worker than he! He brings amazing value to any business that he works for. However, discrimination  is alive and well in this country and I am sure that many employers equate hearing impaired with stupid. Forgive me for my passion on this subject , but with glowing references, amazing talent, and the work ethic of a workaholic there is no reason that this man is not employed except for the fact he has a disability. To the employers out there smug in the ivory towers, I hope you get the quality of workers you deserve!

Sour grapes, I hear you say! I do not think so! His predicament has really brought discrimination into focus for me. At a time when the Government is doing everything possible to get the entire population into the workforce, the reality may differ greatly to the dream. There is discrimination across the entire spectrum of the population. Women are discriminated against as they may have a baby; the LGBTI Community is discriminated against because people feel threatened by us or something; the disabled are discriminated against because of their disability; older people are discriminated against as they may not be as agile; and others are discriminated against on the basis of race. The list goes on and on! While such bigotry exists how does anyone who is not Caucasian male between the age of 25 and 45 get a job. The talent in the pool of 'others' is amazing. All that is required is for the smug few who have been drinking their own bathwater for too long, to find their reality gene, and realize that all of these groups have so much to give.

At a time when we are told to embrace and celebrate the diversity of Australian Society, I think we still have a long way to go. We are told our tough budget is for the good of the country and the direction in which, we as a country have to move. However, equally as important are the humanitarian issues that actually will not cost a cent. They will actually save money and some may even help to swell the empty coffers we are always hearing about. Let us stop the blatant discrimination against the LGBTI community and allow them to marry. The sun will still rise and the world will continue to revolve on its axis. Let us have real debate about euthanasia! I for one do not want to end my days with the indignity of dementia, incontinence and human frailty! We cannot afford to keep these human shells that actually died when their memories faded and the madness of dementia crept in. I am sure if we asked them when they were competent they would agree there is no quality of life in soiled nappies and bed sores.  Let us look after our mentally ill, who at this point make up a huge chunk of our prison populations and homeless. Let us make sure that our disabled are treated equally on a level playing field. We insist on ramps being installed, toileting facilities be available, access to parking and public places and yet we deny them employment.

Sometimes, I am ashamed to be Australian. While we have a lot to be thankful for, there are many gaps in the fabric of our society though which each and every one of us fall. Next time you judge the homeless man begging on the street, wonder what brought him from his home and warm bed to such circumstances. When you deny the disabled their place in society, you will do well to remember - There but for the Grace of God go I! It happens in the wink of an eye - a life irrevocably changed forever! Fear not the gay boy you scorn and yell abuse at on the street or the football field! He will not hurt you and he sure as hell will not hit on you! 

This little rant only scratches the surface of discrimination that the politically correct attempt to eliminate! It just goes to show you that no amount of legislation can change attitudes! That my friends comes from within!  

Yours in our Loving Country

Bitches Coz

Isolation

Isolation has many guises and I can only talk to you of the isolation that I feel, and have felt, as a gay guy.  Isolation doesn't necessarily mean living as Greta Garbo (I want to be alone). It is easy to be surrounded by people, but still be isolated. Quite often, people in general, isolate you from their lives. Most times - and I guess unintentionally - even though they see you as 'out' and, are fine with that, socially you are placed in the too hard basket (no pun intended). You are accepted as their gay son, gay brother, gay friend but, that is just on a one on one basis.  Quite often you are in their presence but not in their circle.

Speaking from my own experience and not blowing my own horn, (again no pun intended) on a one on one basis you are seen as fun to be around. Someone to listen to their stories, care for their well-being, and make their homes look more elegant. You take them to their doctors, lawyers and Indian Chiefs (but never to be introduced). You show them the latest fads in cooking, be the shoulder  they cry on, fix their social media problems - dare invite them as friends and its broke again. You  take the women in your life shopping for shoes, clothing, and tell them they look fab in what they are trying on because their male partners are only interested how much it costs and if their cleavage will show enough. The guys don't care you are there, because they know your not ogling their bounty and, they can stay home watching the TV, or catching up on the hardware catalogues with the latest in power screwdrivers or whackapackers. Don't get me wrong it is great to be needed but, in a full on socialising situation with these people, you are isolated!

Yes you are loved and needed! But, to interact with you in numbers is a totally different ball game. When there are family functions you are gladly accepted for your cooking and entertainment abilities but that's where it stops.  You can feel it once you sit down at the table and you enter the conversations of politics, religion and equal rights.  Immediately, your dear ones start cringing that you may bring up Gay Rights as being part of these topics of discussion.  Of course Gay Rights are, but, you know where this will go. So you zip your lip, pay lip service, and nod appropriately to the initiators of the conversations.  At the end of the gathering everyone rises, says 'Thank you for the delightful food.' A few say, 'We must swap recipes.' God forbid it to be on Facebook or you end on their 'friends' list! You send them off with their little bundles of leftovers (that they tell their straight friends they cooked). They hop in their conservative little cars and drive off into the distance. You close your door and think to yourself  - 'They never got to know me any better than they did before!'  Then you wait for the next big event for which your services will be called on again.

This is part of the isolation that I live with and for the most I accept. But yes ,it does wear you down occasionally.  When you discuss this siuation (one on one) with your dear ones, the comments come flowing  - 'Honey, you know it's because you are gay that you are emotional!  No one means any harm and they enjoy your company.' Yea right! Again the too hard basket and you are no closer to being accepted than you were before! And, then and there from their lips they follow it up with such deep and meaning powers of consolation with, 'Now, how did you do that ham?' And, 'Those stuffed eggplant were  delicious - write down your recipe.' How can you top that, but to say 'Thanks Mum!' and start writing the recipe.

Yes, having said all this, I must say I am in a relationship with a lovely guy who is caring, family oriented, loving, giving and selfless.  He has the ability, because of his origins, to see total good in everyone. That we must respect, accept and never show our feelings of hurt to those that we love. Never to hear, nor read into, the snide remarks that are made of our sexual orientation  (sometimes I think it would be easier to be deaf like he is). But, in his eyes these people are to be respected for their statesmanship of age and wisdom.  Yes, this is a quality I would love to possess. However, I feel we have the right to be accepted as who we are! I long for the day that we can go to these celebrations hand in hand. Reach over and touch your partner on the hand and say thanks, or, give you some support over a comment you have made.  Yes, I long for the day that speaking out of gay rights is no longer necessary.  Therein lies another isolation! For those of you reading this that are straight, how would it feel if you were unable to easily show something as simple as holding hands or a gentle kiss on the cheek to your partner?

You ask how do I conquer this fear of isolation?  Let me say its not easy, but just allow yourself to be open to a friendship that literally can come out of the blue. I am not talking of a lover here, or a partner, but a true friendship - believe me there is one out there (and you only need one).  One that you can be yourself with!  One that you can share your inner most feelings with!  And you know in turn, I believe and know, that they too have inner most feelings to share as well.  I met this friend quite a few years ago. She has been my lifeline really, and yes, I think we have helped each other in many ways. Together we have surged a friendship that is truly blessed, a friendship that our respective partners see as beneficial as water to our daily diets. Our partners are not threatened nor anxious of our friendship - guess it helps them too as we don't nag their ears off he he. You know a great friendship when your server is down and you can't share your craziness of the day.

You have heard my rantings! My advice for those out there who are feeling isolated (gay or straight) is to be open. Let your guard down a bit, don't think everyone out there is the enemy. Because deep down, we all can be isolated in our own way.  And, for those out there who see straights as the enemy, or straights that see gays as the enemy, each and everyone of us needs a friend. We don't need an army to do coffee with, we simply need one friend that can share, advise, care, love and listen to
us. 

Oh Sooo Many Shoes!!

When did my penchant for nice things begin?? OMG! That is like asking me when I realized I liked boys? Don't the two things go hand in hand! My very first love affair was with shoes.  I have loved them for as long as I can remember, along with watches, bracelets, rings and all jewellery in general. I think it comes with the territory.  No, I KNOW it comes with the territory. Besides you can never have too many shoes.

After all you need a suitable shoe for every occasion - in every colour, style, shape and material possible. I have joggers, loafers, sneakers, boots, lace-ups and, slip-ons. I have thongs, sandals, crocs, and scuffs. They come in suede, leather, canvas, mesh, and composite with colours ranging from the fluorescents, beige, orange, grape, yellow and just about every colour in between. After all you cannot afford to have your shoes clashing with your outfit. I have new shoes, old shoes and everything in between shoes. Some are actually haddit but I cannot bear to part with them as they really become an extension of yourself. Come to think of it, no wonder I have soo many shoes as it is vitally important to have a pair of shoes to match every outfit. After all, where would I wear my Aubergine Suede Boots with yellow soles if I did not own canary yellow pants?

Sooo Many Shoes

My shoes are stored in my garage - they outgrew my wardrobe quite a few years ago!!! Whenever people spot them (which is not difficult) they are like, 'Does a fucking centipede live here?' If I was not such a tough nut, I could take offence at such remarks. There is one drawback with shoes tho and that is you can only wear one pair at a time. There is no such restriction on jewellery, thank God! I can accessorize my favourite watch with as many leather bands as I like. Oooops, sometimes though, when my watch is the size of an alarm clock it does get a little difficult. Now add a handful of rings  and a couple of chains and any outfit is complete. I still have a chuckle when I think of a friend of mine who took simply ages to work out I was gay. Hellooo! I would have thought the accessorizing was a dead givaway!

Why is it that our gayness gives us a yearning for nice things? What is it about our gayness that makes us creative? Is it our feminine side that brings out this trait? Or is it our queer, bent persona that gives us our unique flair for being the best dressed at many occasions. It allows us to push the boundaries and be bold and outrageous, sometimes to the dismay of our conservative rellies. But hey, we do not tell them how to dress! Though I think a few of them could do with a gay boys makeover. After all darlings, we are the style queens of the universe. 

Our penchant for nice things is not restricted to our own person. We are the interior designers of the world, we decorate the sets of films, we are the wedding planners with flair and pizzazz! Oh, how I yearn to be the wedding planner for gay weddings!!!! The gifts we give are the most gorgeous under the tree or on the birthday table. Our gifts are the most elegant, the most outrageous, or the most fun. 

This quirky, bent, flair is simply part of us. Our gayness is the essence of who we are, and having 160 pairs of shoes, 35 watches, and too many wristbands to count, is part of that. Let us be true to our sexuality and be loud and proud of who we are and embrace our flamboyance and flair!

Be Proud to be Pink

Bitches Coz

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International Day against Homophobia

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Friday is IDAHO –International Day Against Homophobia.  How sad is it that we can have International Women’s Day to celebrate the place that women now enjoy in society, Harmony Day to celebrate cultural diversity in our country, International or Universal Children’s Day to promote the well-being of children worldwide, and yet, we cannot simply celebrate LGBTI day to celebrate sexual diversity and harmony within society. We have to have a day against homophobia! I know the gay movement has made huge inroads into society’s perception and acceptance of LGBTI people, but there are still huge changes that need to come about before the straight and gay community can live as one without fear or prejudice. 

I was watching ‘A Place to call Home’ last nite and a poor man in that, is undergoing the horrendous shock treatment of the 1950’s to cure him of his ‘ unnatural and perverted urges.’ Thank God those days are behind us in many parts of the world but, in others, young men are still hanged for being openly gay.  Yet in the same countries, those metering out justice think it is perfectly fine to have brides as young as 12 and sodomize young boys on a whim. While the USA is making huge inroads into approving and legalizing same sex marriage, there are some sections of the population that still force their sons into therapy to 'cure' them from this illness. I wonder at which point, some sections of society, actually realize that we did not suddenly wake up one day and decide to be gay. With the bigotry that still exists I really doubt that anyone would choose their sexuality. 

To be gay is not an easy life. Yes, it is becoming easier, and there is greater acceptance of who we are. Thank goodness the days of forced marriages to make us appear 'normal ' to the rest of society, are disappearing. I do not understand why it is acceptable to society for a gay man to be in an unhappy marriage (which was blessed in a Church) with a woman with whom he has no intimate relationship, and yet he cannot legitimize a loving relationship with another man that is his soul mate and life long partner. How many same sex couples are able to openly hold hands whenever and wherever they are. We are always aware of our surroundings and become very good at gauging where our little acts of loving and intimacy could result in our being abused or bashed. How many straight couples would fear being bashed for simply holding hands. How many straight couples have to put up with idiots driving past in cars and screaming out 'Fucking Poofters' or similar abuse? Not many I daresay. As for the Bogans who think that we are somehow a threat to them and will hit on them or something  - sorry fellas we are not interested in you!

I for one am tired of being told that my life circumstances are my own fault for my lifestyle choices. This in itself confuses me, as I sure as hell did not choose to be gay. I was born this way, just the same as every other person is born with their sexuality. I do not know any other way and, in reality, I love my sexuality and myself. I do not know any other way. This is me!!  However, I cannot say the same for all of those close to me. Many have been very keen for me to conform to 'normal' whatever the hell that is. If we cannot have our families accept us unconditionally, the way we are, what hope do we have that the rest of society will? Gay people are simply people! Yes, we tend to seek our own kind but that is simply because we feel comfortable with others of similar ilk. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not all about the pick-up. We understand each other! We have the same needs and wants as the straight community even if we are drama queens at times :)

We go to school the same as everyone else. We nurse you when you are sick. We make you laugh and cry when you watch us in movies and on television. We design your buildings and decorate your houses. We fix your teeth and broken bodies. We defend your country. We cut your hair. We cook your meals. We do the same things as everyone else and everyone is happy to take credit for, and make use of, our talents and creativity. But they still will not allow us to have the same rights as every other person - black, white or brindle!

While in Australia, the LGBTI community enjoy greater freedoms than ever before, we still lag behind other developed countries with our discriminatory practices against the LGBTI community. Why are some sections of society so fearful of allowing same sex marriage? The sun will still rise tomorrow, Armageddon will not arrive, and really it affects no-one else except the couple tying the knot. Yet, we need to have a movement that actively agitates and campaigns for same sex marriage. When I see some of the homophobic comments placed on social media, I despair and cringe that some sections of society can be so fearful and bigoted. Secretly, I think that some of these homophobes would covet a same sex relationship.Are they motivated by jealousy? Methinks they are!

I believe those that can help the LGBTI community break down the barriers and bigotry are mothers.  We should love our children unconditionally and when mothers get together to protect their children they are a formidable force with which to be reckoned. So when we look to celebrate International Day Against Homophobia, all mothers should join with their LGBTI children and go into battle for them. Let us celebrate who we are and actively work towards a world where we are not seen as gay or any other label that someone wishes to bestow. We will simply be valued and loved as us. We will celebrate our difference as we are embraced for our sameness, acknowledged for out uniqueness, and loved for ourself!

Let us know of your experience - good and bad!

Bitches Coz