Isolation

Isolation has many guises and I can only talk to you of the isolation that I feel, and have felt, as a gay guy.  Isolation doesn't necessarily mean living as Greta Garbo (I want to be alone). It is easy to be surrounded by people, but still be isolated. Quite often, people in general, isolate you from their lives. Most times - and I guess unintentionally - even though they see you as 'out' and, are fine with that, socially you are placed in the too hard basket (no pun intended). You are accepted as their gay son, gay brother, gay friend but, that is just on a one on one basis.  Quite often you are in their presence but not in their circle.

Speaking from my own experience and not blowing my own horn, (again no pun intended) on a one on one basis you are seen as fun to be around. Someone to listen to their stories, care for their well-being, and make their homes look more elegant. You take them to their doctors, lawyers and Indian Chiefs (but never to be introduced). You show them the latest fads in cooking, be the shoulder  they cry on, fix their social media problems - dare invite them as friends and its broke again. You  take the women in your life shopping for shoes, clothing, and tell them they look fab in what they are trying on because their male partners are only interested how much it costs and if their cleavage will show enough. The guys don't care you are there, because they know your not ogling their bounty and, they can stay home watching the TV, or catching up on the hardware catalogues with the latest in power screwdrivers or whackapackers. Don't get me wrong it is great to be needed but, in a full on socialising situation with these people, you are isolated!

Yes you are loved and needed! But, to interact with you in numbers is a totally different ball game. When there are family functions you are gladly accepted for your cooking and entertainment abilities but that's where it stops.  You can feel it once you sit down at the table and you enter the conversations of politics, religion and equal rights.  Immediately, your dear ones start cringing that you may bring up Gay Rights as being part of these topics of discussion.  Of course Gay Rights are, but, you know where this will go. So you zip your lip, pay lip service, and nod appropriately to the initiators of the conversations.  At the end of the gathering everyone rises, says 'Thank you for the delightful food.' A few say, 'We must swap recipes.' God forbid it to be on Facebook or you end on their 'friends' list! You send them off with their little bundles of leftovers (that they tell their straight friends they cooked). They hop in their conservative little cars and drive off into the distance. You close your door and think to yourself  - 'They never got to know me any better than they did before!'  Then you wait for the next big event for which your services will be called on again.

This is part of the isolation that I live with and for the most I accept. But yes ,it does wear you down occasionally.  When you discuss this siuation (one on one) with your dear ones, the comments come flowing  - 'Honey, you know it's because you are gay that you are emotional!  No one means any harm and they enjoy your company.' Yea right! Again the too hard basket and you are no closer to being accepted than you were before! And, then and there from their lips they follow it up with such deep and meaning powers of consolation with, 'Now, how did you do that ham?' And, 'Those stuffed eggplant were  delicious - write down your recipe.' How can you top that, but to say 'Thanks Mum!' and start writing the recipe.

Yes, having said all this, I must say I am in a relationship with a lovely guy who is caring, family oriented, loving, giving and selfless.  He has the ability, because of his origins, to see total good in everyone. That we must respect, accept and never show our feelings of hurt to those that we love. Never to hear, nor read into, the snide remarks that are made of our sexual orientation  (sometimes I think it would be easier to be deaf like he is). But, in his eyes these people are to be respected for their statesmanship of age and wisdom.  Yes, this is a quality I would love to possess. However, I feel we have the right to be accepted as who we are! I long for the day that we can go to these celebrations hand in hand. Reach over and touch your partner on the hand and say thanks, or, give you some support over a comment you have made.  Yes, I long for the day that speaking out of gay rights is no longer necessary.  Therein lies another isolation! For those of you reading this that are straight, how would it feel if you were unable to easily show something as simple as holding hands or a gentle kiss on the cheek to your partner?

You ask how do I conquer this fear of isolation?  Let me say its not easy, but just allow yourself to be open to a friendship that literally can come out of the blue. I am not talking of a lover here, or a partner, but a true friendship - believe me there is one out there (and you only need one).  One that you can be yourself with!  One that you can share your inner most feelings with!  And you know in turn, I believe and know, that they too have inner most feelings to share as well.  I met this friend quite a few years ago. She has been my lifeline really, and yes, I think we have helped each other in many ways. Together we have surged a friendship that is truly blessed, a friendship that our respective partners see as beneficial as water to our daily diets. Our partners are not threatened nor anxious of our friendship - guess it helps them too as we don't nag their ears off he he. You know a great friendship when your server is down and you can't share your craziness of the day.

You have heard my rantings! My advice for those out there who are feeling isolated (gay or straight) is to be open. Let your guard down a bit, don't think everyone out there is the enemy. Because deep down, we all can be isolated in our own way.  And, for those out there who see straights as the enemy, or straights that see gays as the enemy, each and everyone of us needs a friend. We don't need an army to do coffee with, we simply need one friend that can share, advise, care, love and listen to
us.