Regret

Recently on Facebook there was, in a Nurse's newsfeed, a post about the dying and regret! In amongst the regrets of the dying listed, was the regret of not living a life true to oneself. It was in their final days, when the dying had made peace with their lot and awaited their Maker with the resignation of acceptance, that they confided in those who were blessed with helping these people through their final days and hours. These angels in the guise of nurses have made public this list in hope of making a difference in people's lives before it is too late.

When all is said and done, how many of us actually lead a life true to ourselves? How many actually pursue a life of happiness and true self fulfillment? And, when we do how many are judged as selfish and self absorbed? Very early in our lives we are taught that 'happiness' is irrevocably entwined in the happiness of others. Thus, the stage is set from infancy, that for those around us to be happy we must act in a way that pleases others. This conditioning is reinforced throughout our various stages of life. Firstly, we crave the happiness and acceptance of our parents. We move though our childhood pleasing our siblings, our friends, and our teachers. And when adulthood looms, we conform to please society, marrying as expected, producing children as expected and thus creating a whole new set of people that require pleasing.  This need to please continues our entire lives as we move through the various stages. And, the realization has just dawned, that the very fabric of society is built on approval, and the behaviour, that results from the craving for this.

In our quest for acceptance, we wear ridiculous fashion, we follow the latest fads and, the more we try to be different to fit into our peer group, the more we become the same. The competitiveness between individuals drives us to strive for bigger and better possessions, flashier cars, cuter children, smarter children, and the list goes on. At what stage of our life do we say 'I don't give a flying fuck what you think, I am going to please myself!' For some of us that day will never come. We stay in unhappy marriages, conforming to the wants of our partners.We allow our children  to dictate the terms and bully us. Our families boss us around telling us how to live our lives, when they are flat out living their own.  We vote in governments that decide their policy on their ideals and not what is best for the people and country. I am surprised that anyone has enough capacity for 'self' to be able to even recognize, let alone regret, not living a life true to oneself.

If this is life for the Mr and Mrs Average who go through life with the boring mediocrity expected of them, how the hell does the average gay guy manage to avoid this regret. The pressure of family, of society, of government means it is sometimes difficult for homosexual people to even acknowledge their sexuality, let alone be loud and proud. We are not openly demonstrative of our love in the company of family and friends, let alone in public. It is slowly improving and I believe it will be easier for the young gay guys coming through, but hell, it is not that long ago that it was actually illegal for two males to have sex with each other. Is society ready for us to live our lives the way we need to so we dodge the bullet of this particular regret? I do not think so!

The only consolation here is that the LGBTI population does not have a mortgage on this. This is a regret that is universal. Whilst it means different things to different people depending on the shackle they wish to cast off , I do not think the world is ready for gay abandonment (sorry guys for pinching your saying for everyone). Can you imagine a world where we all pleased ourselves? Oh God, how absolutely divine would that be. I don't know about you but I have often dreamed of a time where I could simply sail off into the sunset and tell everyone to 'Fuck off!'

I have made some huge steps in my personal life to living my life the way I want to. This has come at a cost but, it is one I am prepared to pay cos I simply am not prepared to live my life as one huge regret. When the time comes for me to look back over my life and reflect what has been, I do not want to say I have lived my whole life according to others.  Sure, there will be regrets and I do not know if they are accumulative, but now I intend to try to stay true to my wants and needs. With minor deviations due to outside pressure, with the help of my partner I/we will live a life true to myself/ourselves.

So take stock of your life, look to yourself to make a difference in your life. After all there is really only one person who is master of your destiny - and that is yourself!

Have strength!

Bitches Coz